Dr. Thema Bryant is a clinical psychologist, ordained minister, author, and the 2023 president of the American Psychological Association. She’s also one of the most grounded voices I’ve had on the H.E.A.L. Her Podcast. This conversation went places I didn’t expect and left me with things I’m still thinking about.
When Dr. Thema Bryant sat down with me, she came with credentials that could fill a room: doctorate from Duke, post-doctoral training at Harvard, former APA president, professor, minister, and author. But what struck me most wasn’t any of that. It was the moment she said, quietly and without performance, that she is a trauma survivor herself.
That’s the kind of person I want to have this conversation with. Not someone talking at healing from a distance, but someone who has lived it and chosen, deliberately, to make it her life’s work.
Her book, Matters of the Heart, is about emotional connection, relationships, and the internal patterns that either open us up to love or keep us locked out of it. This post pulls the threads from our conversation that I think will stay with you.
Emotional unavailability is a skill — and it made sense once
One of the most reframing things Dr. Thema said in our conversation is that emotional unavailability isn’t a character flaw. It’s an adaptive response. When relationships have taught you that closeness equals danger, keeping things surface is actually a skill your nervous system developed to keep you safe.
The problem is that the skill that protected you in one context starts working against you in others. You can become an expert at talking a lot and saying nothing. At presenting your representative while your actual self stays hidden. With staying so busy with work, with perfectionism, with people-pleasing, no one ever gets close enough to really know you.
“You can develop the capacity — it’s actually a skill that can work for you — talking a lot and saying nothing.”
— Dr. Thema Bryant
If any of that sounds familiar, the question Dr. Thema invites isn’t what’s wrong with me? It’s what did I learn, and is it still serving me?
It was never about you — and that’s where healing starts
One of the things I shared with Dr. Thema is something I say to the women who come to me after experiences of narcissistic abuse or toxic relationships: You could have been anyone. The behaviour would have been the same. The pattern isn’t about you, it’s about them.
Dr. Thema took that further in a way that shifted something for me. She said the liberating question isn’t why did this happen to me? It’s how quickly did I recognize it, and how long did I stay? That’s where your power lives, not in understanding the other person’s psychology, but in sharpening your own ability to see clearly and leave sooner.
There will never be a satisfactory response to why you didn’t get it from her. The more useful question is: what do I want to give myself now?
She said this about mother wounds specifically, and it landed hard. For women who grew up without the mothering they needed, the real kind, the kind that makes you feel seen and believed in and safe, Dr. Thema’s message was both honest and tender: you deserved better. And you don’t have to be stuck because you didn’t get it.
Shift the question from why to what now.
Rebuilding trust without swinging to extremes
After relational trauma, most people go one of two directions: they either close completely, or they give everything away too fast, still hoping this time will be different. Dr. Thema names this clearly and offers a third path, gradual, intentional trust that gives you time to see who people actually are.
She also said something that I think a lot of us need to hear: look for evidence that trust is possible. Not just in romantic relationships, but anywhere. The friend who showed up. The mentor who kept their word. The family member who never let you down. That evidence matters because without it, it’s easy for our minds to calcify into everyone is unsafe, and that story keeps us isolated, not protected.
“Look for the proof. And if you don’t see it in your own life, look in other people’s lives. That will give you hope.”
— Dr. Thema Bryant
I told her about my own story, closing myself off for a few years to heal, reconnecting with someone from my past, engaged (at time of recording) and now married. She said that’s the kind of testimony that gives other people permission to believe it’s possible for them too. I share it here for exactly that reason.
Self-nourishment is not a luxury — it’s a prerequisite
Dr. Thema’s practical advice for cultivating healthier love starts with a question most of us skip straight past: What have you done for yourself lately? Not when you’re broken down. Not when you’re burning out. As a daily practice.
She was specific about what this looks like: rest, nutrition, boundary-setting, even the media and social accounts you consume. Do they leave you feeling better about yourself or worse? These aren’t small choices. They’re the daily architecture of how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about yourself determines what you’ll accept from others.
When you’re depleted, you accept depleting things. When you’re nourished, you become far more discerning about what and who you allow in.
What she said about legacy — and why it matters for this blog
Toward the end of our conversation, I asked Dr. Thema what legacy she hopes to leave in the mental health space. Her answer stopped me.
She said she wants a world where healing isn’t a privilege, where the knowledge and compassion that can change lives isn’t locked behind expensive degrees or exclusive access. She wants wisdom from indigenous communities and women to be named and credited, not extracted and repackaged without acknowledgment. And she wants people to know that healing isn’t just about addressing wounds. It’s about learning to soar.
That’s exactly why this blog exists. The conversation we had and conversations like it deserve to live beyond a single episode. The ideas Dr. Thema shared are too useful to stay in audio form only.
Listen to the episode on your favourite podcast platform HERE and share with a woman who needs to hear it!
If you’re an HR leader or L&D professional looking to bring this kind of work into your organization, learn more about corporate programs here.
Ep. 290: You Don't Have to Stay Stuck — Dr. Thema Bryant on Healing Your Heart and Reclaiming Connection